In true anxiety-ridden fashion, I didn't post on Mental Health Awareness Day because it made me too anxious!
I'm not sure when anxiety and OCD became so deeply ingrained in my person, but I can't remember a time without them.
I felt them when a teacher lightly reprimanded me for talking out of turn in kindergarten. I held in my panic and shame for the rest of the school day until bursting into tears at the sight of my parents, feeling as though I'd committed a crime and let everyone down.
I felt them when I couldn't stop counting the number of stair steps I took in elementary school. "I can't stop counting my steps! I can't get the numbers out of my head!" I exhaustedly told my mom with despair. I felt like a prisoner of some sick pattern with no escape in sight.
I felt them when someone I love deeply shared their soul with me, and I couldn't give them the energy or the reaction that they deserved.
I'm learning everyday to be more mindful and more present. Some days inspire immense periods of growth and make me feel like I'm leaving my anxious and obsessive compulsive "friends" in the dust forever. But I know better. They're always there, but they don't have to be in the driver's seat. And I'm far from the only one who has them in her car.
I know that the internet isn't my diary, but if this helps one person feel less alone, I'd be happy.
Let's face it - nobody is immune to crazy. We all have some. We might as well own it, share it, and remind each other that we are not alone.
